Mom and Dad

B4E45C67-D7A7-42E1-B6BC-7AC84101F423I act like I’m happy and I’m okay but I just wish my parents would notice all the other signs and ask if I’m okay. I wish they would see my room being a complete mess as something being wrong with me instead of thinking I’m just lazy. I wish they would see me sleeping all day and think why does she sleep so much? Instead of saying I am lazy and don’t do anything. I wish they could just know that I am not okay and I’m really trying to be okay but it’s so hard when everything triggers me into a really bad depression. I wish they could understand me and be a little more sensitive with me without saying I’m dramatic and cry about everything. I wish they would just walk into my room when I’m crying myself to sleep and hug me and tell me everything will be okay and not to worry about a single thing.

Defeated

1BFF6D40-439D-4E58-A9FA-E7401389429DI don’t even know how to start this I have so many thoughts racing through my head, it’s suppose to be the happiest time of the year but I’m so sad, tired, and numb. When I can’t sleep I try to imagine what my life would’ve been like if I didn’t feel like this all the time, I would be so happy. I would most likely be in college with a job helping my parents out. My room and car would be clean and I would spend time with family and friends without bailing on them. My life would be so different. I hope one day that can become a reality because right now I feel so defeated. I feel so numb to everything. I hope that if anyone is going through the same as me just know that you are not alone and I know it’s so fucking hard sometimes to keep going but you just have to keep going and hoping that just maybe one day things will be different. If anyone ever needs anyone to talk to reach out to me or ask for my email I’ll be here for you because I know sometimes you just can’t tell anyone how you’re feeling because of how embarrassing it can be sometimes or you just don’t wanna bother anyone. Hoping everyone has a great Christmas ❤️

Will It Ever Stop?

9829DC9C-2CF6-447B-B519-FDF960C875FEThis year has been very rough for me, So many things have happened and all I can ask myself is will it ever stop? Why is life so hard? Trying to stay positive is nearly impossible. Trying to act okay and normal in front of your family and friends is such a chore. I’m tired of feeling like this, I honestly can’t imagine a life without feeling like this. I wish feeling like this wasn’t embarrassing or shameful so I could speak up and ask for help but I just can’t get myself to do it so I’ll be here venting and talking to myself for now. Always check up on your family and friends you never know what someone could be going through. I’m always the one making everyone laugh in my group of friends but what none of them know is I come home and cry myself to bed almost every night.

Life Is Hard

353D576F-FDC5-411A-ACC3-9795A4C4179A.jpegEvery single day gets harder and I feel numb ever single day. I have never in my life wished I was dead like I do now. My pain isn’t just my anxiety and depression anymore, now on top of being mentally ill I am also in so much physical pain. So many things have happened that I honestly just keep thinking how have I made it this far? My life has gone no where I literally don’t see a future for myself but on top of all that I won’t give up.. I still have hope that something good will come from all this pain and suffering.. I like to think that because it’s what keeps me going. I’ve said this before but anyone that feels alone or they feel like they just don’t have anyone to talk to, you can reach out to me and I’ll do my very best to help you and hear you out, just ask for my email. I’ll always be here for anyone I can promise you that. ❤️

I am here for you.

D78F116D-905E-448B-BD2E-CDD405423FF9.jpegI just wanted to come back again and say that I know it’s hard finding people that care or will listen to your problems. I wanted to let any of you know that even though I am a mess and I should probably take my own advice. That if anyone feels down or needs someone to vent to I am here! Anytime any day. I will be here and will try my very best to help you get through your problems. Don’t hesitate or be shy it would make my day if I could help anyone feel even a little better 🙂

Holding on.

2AC27A07-D4DA-4547-9776-9A48996BDFDC.jpegI don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel like everything I do is wrong. There’s no point of me being here. I’m just a burden. I have no goals. I have not been moving forward like everyone else I’m too scared and my anxiety and depression just make everything worse. I’m tired of feeling like this. I want to be able to say that I did it and that I was able to overcome all these things in my life. Nothing has gotten better. Everything gets worse. I wish things were different but I know they won’t. Sometimes I feel like I am better and that my depression has gone away but then it comes right back. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense this is literally what is going through my head at the moment. I just needed to vent and this is the only place that I can do this. If you made it this far, thank you and hope you are able to have a good day and be happy. God bless. (Btw the picture is the opposite of what’s going through my head but I decided to post it so my post wouldn’t be too negative lol)

What’s the point now?

FFC67E64-DFDC-413C-96E6-2625113368E7.jpeg

What’s it all worth when I feel like I’m making no progress? Everything is just getting worse. Why am I still here? What’s my purpose when it feels like I don’t have one??? I hate saying this and I would never ever hurt myself but sometimes I wish I was dead. All this pain would go away but I wouldn’t be able to do that to my family and friends even though sometimes they are the ones that make me feel worse. I wish someone would just help me or hug me and tell me everything will be okay. It sucks so much when I’m the first person everyone runs to but I don’t have anyone to run to or to talk to. The faith I had has now gone completely away I just feel like if their really was a God he wouldn’t have people going through bad things like myself and like other people with bigger problems especially when it never stops. I always think about almost dying and how I wouldn’t even make an effort to save myself because like I said what’s the point? 

Sad

I don’t even know how to start this or what to say so I’m just going to type exactly what I feel. Sometimes when you think your really okay and you think maybe things will change and start getting better something always ruins it and my depression comes running back to me. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m scared to be happy because I know something bad is also coming along with that happiness. I feel so lost.. I feel stuck.. while everyone around me is doing great and living their best lives I’m here alone not doing anything. I’m exhausted of feeling like this I want it to go away but it doesn’t it’s always here. I’m tired.

Parents

73E430DB-6746-4853-B877-FD85A5675155.jpegI wish my family knew that they make my depression worse. They make me feel so worthless and stupid. Making comments about me not having a job or not doing things that other kids are doing. If they only knew that everyday gets harder or the fact that doing the simplest thing that anyone else can do without a question is a big deal to me. I wish they would understand that I’m not lazy at all but that it’s my depression taking over me. I wish they would understand that I can’t just work anywhere I don’t have a degree only a high school diploma with really bad social anxiety. I just wish they could see all the signs and help me. I just want someone to hug me so tight and to tell me everything will be okay and that I will eventually be okay too.