Parents

73E430DB-6746-4853-B877-FD85A5675155.jpegI wish my family knew that they make my depression worse. They make me feel so worthless and stupid. Making comments about me not having a job or not doing things that other kids are doing. If they only knew that everyday gets harder or the fact that doing the simplest thing that anyone else can do without a question is a big deal to me. I wish they would understand that I’m not lazy at all but that it’s my depression taking over me. I wish they would understand that I can’t just work anywhere I don’t have a degree only a high school diploma with really bad social anxiety. I just wish they could see all the signs and help me. I just want someone to hug me so tight and to tell me everything will be okay and that I will eventually be okay too.

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I hate my life

62C94422-F4A0-473C-B25E-DF8B7C78B474I feel so empty yet I have so many things to be sad about. I truly don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I just keep getting more depressed and my anxiety has been so bad lately I just feel like giving up sometimes. I need a job but my social anxiety is not allowing it. I want help but I’m so afraid to ask for it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know what else to say I’m just so tired.

Wishing for better times

65F24EFD-E7A1-4F70-9F7D-D9D3F479E475Every day just keeps getting harder. I feel like I’m suffocating while everyone else is doing what they love. I’m here stuck in the same place as always. I don’t feel like I have a purpose to be here. I’m more of a burden for everyone around me. I’m drained. I don’t know how much longer I can go living this life. All I want is for someone to hug me so tight and tell me everything is going to be okay that I don’t have to worry about a single thing and that I’m just going through a rough patch. I wish someone would reach out to me and tell me they love me and that they want me to stick around because they need me. I just want to feel like I am suppose to be here. I want to feel all these things without telling anyone how depressed I am. Can’t anyone get the hint?? I never want to go out anymore or be around anyone so why isn’t anyone reaching out and asking if I’m okay? I just want to know that I’m special to someone that they can’t live without me and that I bring joy to them. I just want someone to be nice and to reach out to me that’s all I want. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I just want to feel like I’m suppose to be alive.

Emotional Wreck.

Everything has been making me sad lately it’s ridiculous. I can’t even go a day without crying. Everything and everyone around me is making me so sad. I’ve been trying to be positive lately but I feel like my depression is slowly creeping back.. I feel hopeless. I have no one to talk to about this so I decided to write about it. Hope everyone else is feeling better.

There’s gotta be a reason, right???

I have no job. I am not going to school. My anxiety is worse than ever. I can’t see a future for myself. I’m not good at anything. I keep hurting my family. I keep pushing myself away from everyone else. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this. I’m so confused why am I here for? I mean there’s gotta be a reason?? But what could it be? Everyone eventually forgets about me. I wish I was dead and would stop being such a burden to everyone around me. I was doing so good I was so proud of myself and look I’m back to the same place exactly how I was feeling a year ago. I don’t think that things will ever get better for me. I just hope I don’t have to deal with all this any longer.

Anxiety.

IMG_0817.JPGThe worst thing about anxiety is feeling like you’re stuck and everyone else is moving on with their life. You feel so trapped like you can’t even move. Some nights I can’t stop crying thinking about all the things that I could do and accomplish if I didn’t have anxiety. I honestly feel like it’s stopping me from doing so much in life. I hope that one day I can over come this and finally be happy.

My mind is going crazy

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Sometimes I stop what I’m doing and I really start to think about the things that are going through my head. Things I really want to do or say in real life. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy but it makes me feel better that I haven’t done some of the things I’ve thought about or imagined.

I’m back

Hello! I’ve been wanting to update everyone who follows me about what’s been going on lately. First of all I want to say that I’ve been really good until now. I completely removed myself from friends and family that made me feel bad about myself. I also have absolutely no type of contact with the man that I had been in love with for 4 years, it took me awhile to realize he was abusing me emotionally and I always thought that I would be able to fix him but how could I fix someone when I’m not anywhere close to being put together myself. Anyways ever since I did that I’ve been a lot happier I noticed he was one of the main people that triggered the bad side of me. I was doing so good! My parents weren’t fighting anymore, I wasn’t fighting with them, and I was starting to feel more comfortable in my own body until two weeks ago when I received a letter. It’s really hard for me to go to places where I will see people it could be literally a gas station and I will freak out. So one day I woke up feeling good and I decided I would go to the post office and get the mail. I even said hi to some people that’s just how good I was feeling! Me! The person that can’t go no where without a friend because I’ll have an anxiety attack! Anyways so I go through the mail and there’s a letter for me. When I opened the letter it said a bunch of random things and my heart just dropped. The letter had said that I had owed money to the online school I was going to and that I wasn’t paying and that they had an attorney and well I freaked out and I’ve been freaking out I don’t know what to do! I can’t pay for it all at once. I don’t know ever since that I’ve just been feeling so bad and I can’t sleep at night thinking about how worthless I am. I always do something that messes everything up. I shouldn’t even be here. I’m such a burden. I’m no good. I have nothing going for myself. I just don’t know what to do I feel so lost. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone anymore.